Global Village Idiot -- The Screenplay
Ayn Rand meets Buster Keaton
Welcome Big Hollywood readers!
A movie comedy about Liberty, Individualism and the American Spirit?
No wonder Hollywood hated it.
Read the 1st Act for yourself, below.
A movie comedy about Liberty, Individualism and the American Spirit?
No wonder Hollywood hated it.
Read the 1st Act for yourself, below.
For more than a decade, I made my living as a Hollywood screenwriter -- until I wrote a politically incorrect screenplay called Global Village Idiot that got me kicked out of Hollywood.
In 2006, that same script won 1st prize in the American Film Renaissance screenwriting contest. Here's how it happened. UPDATE: READ AN EXPANDED VERSION OF HOW I GOT KICKED OUT OF HOLLYWOOD IN THIS POST IN BIG HOLLYWOOD.
Now, I'm selling the script over the web and blogging about it here. I'm also a regular contributor to Big Hollywood, so check out my stuff there, too.
Read the first act below and let me know what you think. You can also download a .pdf file of the first act here. Use the email link below to contact me.
CONTACT: Change the AT to "@" and the DOT to "."
In 2006, that same script won 1st prize in the American Film Renaissance screenwriting contest. Here's how it happened. UPDATE: READ AN EXPANDED VERSION OF HOW I GOT KICKED OUT OF HOLLYWOOD IN THIS POST IN BIG HOLLYWOOD.
Now, I'm selling the script over the web and blogging about it here. I'm also a regular contributor to Big Hollywood, so check out my stuff there, too.
Read the first act below and let me know what you think. You can also download a .pdf file of the first act here. Use the email link below to contact me.
CONTACT: Change the AT to "@" and the DOT to "."
Would you like to read the entire screenplay? Here's how!
Are you an --
CONTACT: Change the AT to "@" and the DOT to "."
Are you an --
- Institute, Foundation or individual who is looking for a new, dramatic way to promote sane, free market solutions to environmental issues?
- Institute, Foundation or individual who wants to promote enduring values such as Liberty, Individualism and the American Spirit?
- Film producer looking for a low-budget feature?
- Film director looking for an entertaining and inspiring story?
- Film actor looking for the physical comedy role of a lifetime?
- A blogger who wants to review or blog about a pro-America screenplay?
CONTACT: Change the AT to "@" and the DOT to "."
GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT
FADE IN:
TV COMMERCIAL — MONTAGE
OMINOUS MUSIC plays as a NARRATOR speaks over scenes of smoggy cities, cleared forests and oil-soaked beaches.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The signs of destruction are everywhere:
holes in the ozone layer...devastation
of our forests...entire species brought
to the edge of extinction.
MORE IMAGES of strip mines, belching smokestacks and barrels of toxic waste.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
American industry stands convicted of
crimes against nature.
SHOTS OF THE NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE, chauffeured limousines, and fat cat BUSINESSMEN eating fancy meals.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Yet it's Big Business as usual — racing
ahead with uncontrolled growth, shameless
profits and corporate greed.
THE OMINOUS MUSIC reaches a climax as we CUT TO...
EXT. PARK — DAY
GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS, signaling a new mood. It’s a cheerful, sunny day in a park. A group of children pulls a red wagon through the park meadow. Inside the wagon is a small tree.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
That's why we at the Hush-A-Bye Brothers
Bedding Company pledge to live with the
earth in mind.
VARIOUS SHOTS of the children digging a hole, planting the tree and sprinkling it with a watering can.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
To reduce the burden on our planet, we
encourage all of our customers to be
responsible consumers.
DISSOLVE TO:
THE SAME TREE YEARS LATER — no longer a sapling, but a mighty oak. We travel up the trunk to a green canopy of leaves.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Learn to say "no" to wasteful luxury.
And if that means not buying a new
bed or mattress from Hush-A-Bye Brothers
this year, well...
High in the tree lies a nest where a clutch of baby birds sleep peacefully.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
...that's a small price to pay for a
world where everyone can sleep a
little easier.
The Hush-A-Bye logo fills the screen.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Hush-A-Bye Brothers. Living with the
earth in mind.
TV COMMERCIAL ENDS
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM — DAY
MR. HALLOWAY sits at the head of a long conference table. With him are UNCLE WALTER, UNCLE WOODROW, UNCLE WILLIE and UNCLE WADSWORTH. Together, they make up the Hush-A-Bye Brothers — the archetype of self-made millionaires. They watch in stunned silence as the commercial ends on a big-screen plasma TV connected to a DVD player.
Standing near the TV is Mr. Halloway's son, HENRY — strikingly handsome, good-natured and fresh out of college. He switches off the video and turns to his Father and Uncles.
HENRY
(eagerly)
Well, what do you think?
Looking pale, Uncle Walter rises and heads across the room.
UNCLE WALTER
If anyone wants me, I'll be in the
corner having a stroke.
HENRY
What's the matter, Uncle Walter?
MR. HALLOWAY
(explosively)
What's the matter? You really expect
us to run a multi-million dollar ad
campaign asking people not to buy
our products?
HENRY
But Pop, don't you get it? We're
voluntarily downsizing for the sake
of the environment. We'll be on the
cutting edge of corporate responsibility.
UNCLE WOODROW
And go broke doing it!
At the far end of the room, Uncle Walter mixes a drink at the liquor cabinet.
UNCLE WILLIE
(to Uncle Walter)
I thought you were having a stroke?
UNCLE WALTER
I changed my mind. I'm having a highball
instead.
UNCLE WADSWORTH
(mopping his brow)
Keep pouring, Walter — you're not the
only one with a bad taste in his mouth.
Uncle Walter hands out drinks as Mr. Halloway continues.
MR. HALLOWAY
Henry, we're in the bedding business. What
do we have to do with smokestacks and
oil spills?
HENRY
Just this: do you know that half the wood
we use comes from an old-growth forest in
Indonesia?
MR. HALLOWAY
Of course I know it. It used to come from
an old college buddy of mine who ran a
lumber company up the coast.
UNCLE WOODROW
Stinky Applebaum!
UNCLE WADSWORTH
Good old Stinky! Whatever happened to him?
MR. HALLOWAY
I'll tell you what happened...he got
shut down! A bunch of tree-hugging
posey-pickers got themselves a law passed
and stole the trees right out from
under him. Now I couldn't order a box of
toothpicks from the guy if I wanted to.
UNCLE WADSWORTH
Poor old Stinky.
UNCLE WILLIE
From what I hear, he can't even buy a
toothpick now.
HENRY
But Uncle Willie, don't you see? We simply
pushed our environmental destruction onto
somebody else. We've got to enlarge our
vision and look at things globally.
MR. HALLOWAY
When it comes to business, I never look any
further than my own back pocket.
HENRY
That's old thinking, Pop. With ice-caps
melting, sea-levels rising, the entire planet
balanced on the brink of environmental
Apocalypse, and...and...
UNCLE WOODROW
Doesn't he ever take a breath?
HENRY
...and teetering on the edge of eco-catastrophe,
don't you think there are more important things
in life than making money?
MR. HALLOWAY
Making money is my life.
UNCLE WOODROW
And that goes double for the rest of us.
By this time, Uncle Walter has handed out drinks to his brothers. Uncle Willie raises his glass in a toast.
UNCLE WILLIE
To our nephew Henry...
UNCLE WALTER
(gruffly shoving drink
into Henry's hand)
...who could certainly use a good stiff belt.
They all throw back a slug of hootch as Henry looks on disapprovingly. He sets his drink down, untouched, on the table.
HENRY
I suppose you think making money should
be everyone's life.
MR. HALLOWAY
As a matter of fact, I do. And anyone who
thinks different —
UNCLE WOODROW
— makes his living as the boss's son.
HENRY
(wounded)
That doesn't mean I haven't got a conscience,
Uncle Woodrow. It's time this family thought
about the public interest...
UNCLE WADSWORTH
The public interest?
HENRY
...the social welfare...
UNCLE WILLIE
The social welfare?
HENRY
...the common good!
UNCLE WADSWORTH & UNCLE WILLIE
(in unison)
The common good?!
UNCLE WADSWORTH
Why should we think about them?
UNCLE WILLIE
They never think about us.
HENRY
All I know is this, Uncle Wadsworth:
the earth is dying and it's time to
renounce our affluent society.
UNCLE WOODROW
Is it time to renounce your old man, too?
HENRY
Who said anything about —
UNCLE WADSWORTH
You may as well. It's only his life's work
you're turning your back on.
Henry puts his hand on his father's shoulder.
HENRY
(genuinely)
I could never do that, Pop. You've given me
everything. Maybe more than I deserve.
That's why I want to give something back
to the world...do something important
for humanity.
MR. HALLOWAY
You want to help your fellow man?
Sell him a good mattress. He'll thank you
for it in the morning.
UNCLE WALTER
And so will his wife.
HENRY
But don't you think —
MR. HALLOWAY
No I don't. I happen to employ a good deal
of that "humanity" you're so concerned about.
Mr. Halloway sharply pulls open a set of blinds revealing a large window. Through it we see the floor of a huge bedding factory. Henry looks out over the thriving manufacturing plant where scores of EMPLOYEES go about their work.
MR. HALLOWAY
What's going to happen to them when we
start losing money?
HENRY
Well, I...it never really occurred to me...
MR. HALLOWAY
Just as I thought. You want to close down
factories, throw people out of work, drag
500 of your fellow citizens into the poorhouse
and claim it's all in the name of humanity.
UNCLE WADSWORTH
What humanity? He's doing it for the birds!
UNCLE WOODROW
And the squirrels!
HENRY
(groping)
Naturally, people will have to...that is...
personal sacrifices will have to be made.
MR. HALLOWAY
If it's personal sacrifice you want, I'll be
happy to oblige.
HENRY
What do you mean?
MR. HALLOWAY
I mean you're fired.
HENRY
WHAT?!
Mr. Halloway lays his hand on Henry’s shoulder.
MR. HALLOWAY
Don't take it too hard, son. You're not
the first would-be do-gooder to get tangled
in his own underwear.
HENRY
But...but...
MR. HALLOWAY
I hope you get exactly what you deserve
out of life, Henry. It's up to you whether
that's a blessing or a curse.
Uncle Walter lifts the untouched drink from the conference table and places it in Henry's hand.
UNCLE WALTER
You can have that drink now.
In a state of shock, Henry gulps down a slug of booze. Uncle Willie removes the DVD disc from the player.
UNCLE WILLIE
Brother! There's always someone around to
help you feel guilty for making a pot of dough!
Uncle Willie drops the disc into a shredding machine where it sinks into a basket, slowly being shredded into a hundred glittering pieces.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. UNIVERSITY CAMPUS BANQUET HALL — EVENING
A WEALTHY CROWD OF PATRONS arrives for a benefit. A sign outside the hall reads: Friends of the Planet Society — $1000-A-Plate Dinner.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BANQUET HALL FOYER
WEALTHY GUESTS line up to enter the dinner. A student HOSTESS and a brawny MENACING USHER stand before the door which leads to the main room. Henry hands the Hostess his invitation and starts to enter the room, when the Hostess tugs his sleeve, stopping him.
HOSTESS
(suspiciously, to Henry)
Just a moment, sir...is that a wool jacket?
HENRY
Why, yes. I got it last winter in Sydney.
HOSTESS
I suppose you know where wool comes from.
HENRY
Well, the best wool comes from New Zealand,
but don’t tell the Australians that.
HOSTESS
(glaring at him)
It comes from sheep.
She snaps her fingers and motions to the Menacing Usher.
HENRY
Oh, yes. Of course. And certain yaks. I—
The Menacing Usher roughly starts to pull Henry’s coat jacket off. Henry is startled by the strong-arm treatment.
HENRY
Hey!
HOSTESS
The Student Mobilization Committee for
Animal Democracy has declared this building
a cruelty-free zone.
Henry is conscious of the other guests watching him.
HENRY
(embarrassed)
Oh...Yes, of course...I wouldn’t want to — Hey!
The Menacing Usher tugs at Henry’s belt.
HENRY
He's taking my belt!
HOSTESS
All animal products are forbidden. No fur,
feather, hide or leather.
The Menacing Usher picks up Henry’s foot, removes an expensive shoe and holds it up disgustedly to the Hostess.
MENACING USHER
Alligator!
HENRY
Look, I can't go in to dinner without
a jacket and shoes!
HOSTESS
The committee will provide you with
approved clothes for dinning, sir.
INT. BANQUENT HALL
REPORTERS are gathered around STATE SENATOR GEORGE BOWEN (40's) an up-and-coming politician. He sits at a table with PROF. WHITLEY (60's) and DR. PAULA ROSEWOOD (30's). PAULA is bright, attractive and sure of herself.
REPORTER #1
Senator Bowen, will you support Proposition 6,
which creates new regulations for industry to
safeguard the environment?
SENATOR BOWEN
You mean the “Blue Skies” initiative? Absolutely.
I'm making it the centerpiece of my campaign.
Dr. Rosewood here has taught me the golden rule
of environmental politics.
REPORTER #2
What's that, Dr. Rosewood?
PAULA
(with a smile)
"Ask not what your planet can do for you…
SENATOR BOWEN
…ask what you can do for your planet."
Everyone chuckles as an AIDE speaks to the reporters.
AIDE
I’m sorry, but the Senator has another
dinner to attend across town.
SENATOR BOWEN
What, again?
(to the reporters)
How do you like that? This is my second
dinner of the evening and I haven't eaten
a thing yet!
(rising and taking Paula's hand)
Well, goodbye for now, Paula. I expect to be
seeing a lot more of you around the capitol.
PAULA
And I expect to see you in the Governor's
mansion next election. Goodnight, Senator.
The SENATOR sweeps out followed by the REPORTERS, leaving Paula and Prof. Whitley alone at the table.
PROF. WHITLEY
I didn't know you were interested in politics,
Paula. Getting bored with the classroom?
PAULA
I never much cared for being locked up in a
tower — ivory or otherwise.
Something across the way catches Paula’s eye.
ANGLE ON HENRY
With as much dignity as he can muster, Henry stands at the top of the stairs which lead to the main room, wearing his "student approved" clothing — a loud, oversized jacket and hideous shoes about four sizes too big. He awkwardly threads a rope belt trough the loops of his pants.
BACK AT THE TABLE
PAULA
(amused)
Looks like the circus is in town.
PROF. WHITLEY
Ha! And young Mr. Halloway is wearing the tent.
PAULA
You know him?
PROF. WHITLEY
One of my graduates from the English Department.
When I first met Henry, he was disgustingly
cheerful and optimistic about life.
PAULA
You cured him of that, naturally.
PROF. WHITLEY
Naturally. I felt it was my duty as a
college professor.
PAULA
He’s certainly a handsome lad. I wonder how big
the bulge is in his pants.
PROF. WHITLEY
Don’t be vulgar, Paula.
PAULA
I was talking about his wallet.
PROF. WHITLEY
So was I.
ANGLE ON HENRY
He's about to tie the rope belt around his waist when Prof. Whitley’s voice calls out.
PROF. WHITLEY (O.S.)
Henry!
Henry spots Prof. Whitley, waves happily and dashes down the stairs. But he neglects to secure his rope belt — his pants fall down around his ankles and he trips on the steps. He tumbles right into a passing WAITER with a tray full of dinnerware. They both tumble off-screen. We don’t see the fall, but we certainly hear it. CRASH! CLATTER! KA-BANG!
BACK AT THE TABLE
Paula winces at the noise, then looks amused by Henry’s pratfall.
BACK TO HENRY
At the bottom of the steps, surrounded by scattered plates and silverware, Henry rises from the floor in his boxer shorts, apologetically helps the Waiter to his feet, pulls his pants back up then hurries off. He suddenly appears again, grabs an oversized shoe that came loose on the steps, then hurries off once more.
BACK AT THE TABLE
Henry approaches, hopping on one foot as he tries to put his shoe back on and keep his pants up.
HENRY
Hello, Professor! How's the English
Department?
PROF. WHITLEY
Still upset that I never teach any!
How’s the bedding business?
HENRY
Funny you should ask. I was just talking
to my Father this morning and –
(seeing Paula)
Oh, hello...
PROF. WHITLEY
Henry, this is Dr. Paula —
Henry extends his hand to shake, but his pants fall down.
PROF. WHITLEY
Dr. Paula Rosewood. She's on —
Henry pulls his pants back up, then extends his hand again. But now his hand holds his shoe and there’s a bit of business as the shoe awkwardly shuttles back and forth between Henry and Paula’s hands and Henry tries to keep his pants up.
HENRY
Ooops, sorry. Heh-heh.
Henry finally ties his pants, puts on his shoe, shakes hands with Paula.
PROF. WHITLEY
She's on sabbatical from —
HENRY
(recognizing her)
— McKinley College, School of Philosophy.
PAULA
Why, yes, that's right.
HENRY
I'm a big fan of yours, Doctor! Only last
week I picked up a copy of your latest book,
"The End of Everything." I found the chapter
on global warming very chilling.
PAULA
Thank you. Please, join us.
HENRY
Alright, but I warn you — I haven’t had a
bite to eat all day. You’ll have to watch out
for sparks from my knife and fork, heh-heh.
Henry seats himself as a SECOND WAITER places a plate of flower blossoms in front of him.
HENRY
What's this?
SECOND WAITER
Your flowers, sir.
HENRY
Really? Somebody sent me flowers? How
thoughtful! Is there a card with them?
SECOND WAITER
They're from the kitchen, sir.
HENRY
Who do I know in the kitchen?
PAULA
(as the Second Waiter exits)
They're edible flowers, grown in the wild.
Bachelor Buttons, Johnny Jump Ups...
HENRY
(alarmed)
You mean they expect us to eat pansies
for dinner?
PROF. WHITLEY
Modern agriculture is ecologically
immoral, Henry. We Americans will have
to get used to alternate food sources.
HENRY
(gazing glumly at meal)
Still...I mean, for a thousand bucks
a plate...
PROF. WHITLEY
Surely you remember my poetry lecture
on the approaching famine and the
inevitable collapse of the Western World.
(thinking)
Or was it the other way ‘round?
The lights dim and we hear a DRUM ROLL. Everyone's attention turns to...
THE BANQUET HALL STAGE
An ANNOUNCER speaks off-screen.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Ladies and Gentlemen...Friends of the
Planet is proud to present, the Enviro-Sphere!
DRAMATIC MUSIC plays as the stage curtains open revealing the Enviro-Sphere — an 8-foot tall globe of the earth mounted on a self-propelled pedestal. The globe lights up like a Christmas tree, spins slowly on its axis and rolls on its pedestal to the foot of the stage.
The audience of WEALTHY PATRONS, seated at banquet tables, loudly applauds the appearance of the Sphere.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
The Enviro-Sphere will give an
up-to-the-second graphic display of
man's destruction of the earth.
BACK TO THE TABLE
Henry dispiritedly eats his plate of flower blossoms with a knife and fork.
Paula casts sidelong glances at him.
BACK TO THE STAGE
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Every oil spill, smog-alert and nuclear
melt-down will instantly show up on the
globe, proof positive of mankind's
violence against the gentle, loving
planet we call home.
At that moment, the Enviro-Sphere mistakenly rolls off the stage and falls heavily onto a banquet table.
CRUNCH! The table collapses — people SCREAM — food and drinks go flying!
No one's hurt, but a number of Wealthy Patrons lie pinned to the floor, trapped under the weight of the gentle, loving planet.
The MUSIC grinds to a halt and the Enviro-Sphere dies with a sigh. A team of EGGHEAD TECHNICIANS in white lab coats race out of the wings to handle the mishap.
BACK TO THE TABLE
PAULA
(to Prof. Whitley)
Looks like world collapse came a
little earlier than you thought.
Henry finishes his plate of flowers, pats his mouth with a napkin and speaks with forced enthusiasm.
HENRY
You know, those flowers weren't half bad.
Still hungry, he searches the table's floral centerpiece for another flower to eat.
PAULA
You mentioned something about your Father?
PROF. WHITLEY
Henry’s following his father in the
bedding business.
HENRY
Well, I was until this morning when I got –
(catching himself)
– um, when I quit. I finally realized that
I can't be a businessman and be environmentally
ethical as well.
PROF. WHITLEY
Good for you, Henry!
Henry takes a flower from the centerpiece, and bites off the entire bloom.
HENRY
(mouth full)
It's like you wrote about in your book, Dr.
Rosewood...modern man has forgotten how to
live authentically. Especially we Americans.
PROF. WHITLEY
Who can live authentically in a country
dedicated to making money?
Henry swallows hard; this flower isn't going down easy. He takes a sip of water then pops another bloom in his mouth.
HENRY
(chewing)
Exactly. Our society has an obsession
with the artificial and the man-made.
We've lost touch with the natural world.
(swallowing hard)
Boy, these flowers are tough.
He takes another sip of water as Paula says...
PAULA
I think they're plastic.
Henry does an enormous spit-take, spraying water everywhere.
BACK TO THE STAGE
The Egghead Technicians have hoisted the Enviro-Sphere back on the platform and opened a control hatch on the globe. They poke inside the Sphere with screwdrivers and bang on the globe trying to get it to work properly.
BACK TO THE TABLE
Henry mops his brow as Paula pats him on the back.
HENRY
(clearing his throat)
Anyway, Professor, I've decided to return
to school and earn my masters in ecological
science.
PROF. WHITLEY
Well, this is good —
PAULA
I have a better idea. Why don't you come
live with me?
Henry stares at her in astonishment.
HENRY
Live with you?
PAULA
Yes...in Global Village.
(to Prof. Whitley)
With all respect, Richard, Henry
already has an education — what he
needs now is enlightenment.
HENRY
I’m not sure I follow.
PAULA
Stay in school, Henry, and you’ll just be
splashing around in the shallow end of the
pool. It’s time you jumped off the deep end.
And there’s nothing deeper than Deep Ecology.
BACK TO THE STAGE
The Egghead Technicians continue to fiddle with the globe. SNAP! With a high-voltage spark, the Enviro-Sphere surges to life. Revving up like a dynamo, it spins out of control and careens crazily around the stage. The Egghead Technicians give frantic chase.
BACK TO THE TABLE
PAULA
Shallow Ecology believes that pollution
can be controlled with science and technology.
But Deep Ecology knows that pollution is
not the problem, but merely a symptom of a
far more serious disease...a disease called
humanity.
HENRY
(uneasy at the thought)
That’s a little...I mean...it’s not like
we’re a germ or something.
PAULA
You’re wrong, Henry — it’s exactly like that.
Modern Man is a pathogen of the planet. Deep
Ecology is the cure for humanity. It empowers
the Earth and puts Man in his place. After all,
the fate of the Earth is greater than any one
individual or even the whole of mankind.
HENRY
You really think so?
PROF. WHITLEY
Why shouldn't she think so? She's got tenure.
PAULA
Deep Ecology believes that all life is equal...
a butterfly...a blade of grass...a human being.
They're all part of the One — and no part is
more important than the other.
BACK TO THE STAGE
The Egghead Technicians hold fast to the vibrating Enviro-Sphere, trying to keep it from going berserk when...BOOM! The Sphere bursts into flames and starts chasing the Egghead Technicians around the stage.
BACK TO THE TABLE
HENRY
What's this place you mentioned? Global...?
PAULA
Global Village — a progressive community
dedicated to the study of Deep E—
Suddenly, the air is pierced by the honking of a fire alarm.
PROF. WHITLEY
What the devil?...
BACK TO THE STAGE
The blazing Enviro-Sphere has set fire to the stage curtains. The Egghead Technicians run around in useless panic as the flames spread and shouts of concern rise up from the audience. One of the Eggheads attempts to throw a bucket of water on the flames but it misses completely and drowns a fellow Egghead instead.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Ladies and Gentlemen, this concludes our
presentation of the Enviro-Sphere. Please
move quickly to the nearest fire exit and
have a pleasant good evening.
EXT. UNIVERSITY CAMPUS BANQUET HALL — EVENING
Pandemonium! Wealthy Patrons stream from the building as smoke billows out the windows. With sirens wailing and lights flashing, fire engines pull up to the scene. FIRE FIGHTERS jump from the trucks and hook up their hoses.
ANGLE ON HENRY AND PAULA — They walk quickly down the front steps with the rest of the crowd. In his haste, Henry loses an oversized shoe on the stairs.
HENRY
Wait, I lost my shoe again!
PAULA
A good idea. Let's lose the other one, too.
Paula picks up Henry’s leg, slips off his shoe and throws it into the crowd. Then she leans against him and removes her own.
PAULA
(playfully)
Now we'll feel the grass between our toes.
She drops her shoes into a waste basket and takes Henry by the hand.
PAULA
Come on...
HENRY
What about Professor Whitley?
PAULA
He can take off his own shoes!
She leads Henry away from the crowd and into the night.
ANGLE ON THE EGGHEAD TECHNICIANS
Coughing from the smoke, they stagger out of the building, their white lab jackets scorched and smoldering. One of them turns on an emergency fire hose and mistakenly drenches his fellow EGGHEADS in a torrent of water, knocking them to the ground.
DISSOLVE TO:
TWO PAIR OF BARE FEET
They walk on the grass in the evening dew. REVEAL...
EXT. CAMPUS GROUNDS — NIGHT
Henry and Paula stroll through the broad lawns of the campus grounds.
PAULA
In Global Village, we walk barefoot
all the time.
(laughing)
And spend the day half-naked, too!
HENRY
Really? Tell me about it.
(quickly)
Global Village, I mean.
PAULA
It's forty acres of homestead and farm land
we've liberated for green living. We raise
vegetables, chickens, sheep — even a pair
of goats.
HENRY
Goats?
PAULA
For the milk. To live in balance with Nature,
you have to experience it directly. That means
doing everything by hand — from growing your
own food to building your own shelter. Our
goal is to be totally self-sufficient by the
end of the year.
HENRY
Sounds like a lot of work.
PAULA
Not really. The world is a generous place,
Henry — all you have to do is tickle it in
the right spot.
She playfully pokes Henry in the side and he reflexively gives a ticklish yelp.
HENRY
(nervously)
That's the right spot, all right, heh-heh.
PAULA
I believe in opening myself up completely
to Nature. Like biting into a summer fruit
and letting the juices run down my chin.
HENRY
I'm not like that, you know. One dribble
and I'm reaching for a napkin.
Paula impulsively embraces a tree and hugs it with a sexual passion.
PAULA
Or wrapping my arms around a tree and losing
myself in its power.
She leans her head against the trunk and closes her eyes.
PAULA
I can almost feel the thick sap coursing
through the wood, the life of the earth
surging against my body, penetrating me,
filling me completely.
HENRY
(gulping at the thought)
You get all that from a sycamore?
PAULA
And sometimes, when the warm rain
showers from the sky, I strip off my
clothes and roll naked in the mud.
She leans in close to Henry, her lips inches from his ear.
PAULA
I'd like to see you rolling in the mud, Henry.
Suddenly, something catches Paula’s eye off-screen
PAULA
(with surprising bitterness)
The arrogant bastards!
Shocked by her sudden mood swing, Henry watches Paula stalk off.
HENRY
What's the matter?
He follows her to...
EXT. A HIGH PROMENADE ON THE CAMPUS GROUNDS
The promenade overlooks the city. A vast sea of glittering lights stretches out to the horizon. Paula stares at the dazzling sight.
HENRY
What's wrong?
PAULA
(savagely)
The lights...they outshine everything
in the sky. It's awful.
HENRY
(gazing at the lights)
Well, I don't know. I always thought
they looked rather pretty.
PAULA
It's a sinister illusion, Henry. Behind
every one of those lights is a giant power
plant breeding nuclear waste or belching tons
of global-warming poison into the air.
HENRY
(deflated)
Oh, yes...I see what you mean...
PAULA
Thomas Edison was a criminal.
HENRY
(hesitantly)
Listen...I happen to know quite a bit
about growing vegetables. I used to help
my mother in the garden, behind the East
Wing. I'm just thinking that maybe I
should join you in Global Village.
PAULA
It takes more than raising vegetables, Henry.
We have to raise money, as well.
HENRY
Like tonight’s dinner?
PAULA
(nodding)
Global Village depends on fundraising. Id
rather be teaching, but half my time is
spent rattling a tin cup just to keep the
dream alive.
HENRY
Well, I can help there, too. Pop’s always
funding something or other. It’s time I
started funding for myself. And I have just
the trust fund to do it.
Paula smiles and takes him by the hand.
PAULA
I'll have you rolling in the mud in
no time, Henry.
We hold on Henry and Paula silhouetted by the lights of the city. A beat, then Henry’s pants fall down to his ankles. As he struggles to pull them up we slowly...
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
EXT. CHAPMAN'S GENERAL STORE — TWO WEEKS LATER
Chapman's General Store stands at the dusty crossroads of a rural town. GRACIE MCKENNA (20's) parks her pick-up in the warm sunshine and enters the store. Gracie is strong, bright and pretty — everything you'd want in a farmer's daughter.
INT. CHAPMAN’S GENERAL STORE — DAY
MRS. CHAPMAN sits behind the counter with her cat, Miss Elsie.
GRACIE
Hello, Mrs. Chapman.
MRS. CHAPMAN
Hello, Gracie. How are you today?
GRACIE
Tolerable well. And yourself?
MRS. CHAPMAN
Fair to middlin'.
GRACIE
(petting the cat)
And how's Miss Elsie?
MRS. CHAPMAN
Betwixt and between, as always. Your
feed order's all set. Just sign here.
As Gracie signs her name, Mrs. Chapman points to newspaper headline: DROUGHT THREATENS COUNTY.
MRS. CHAPMAN
Did you see the headline, Gracie? We
got ourselves an official drought.
GRACIE
(sighing)
I don't need the papers to tell me that,
Mrs. Chapman. In a few weeks I expect
McKenna Creek to be as dry as an old maid's
kiss. One day it’ll be there, and the
next day — gone!
ANGLE ON HENRY
He stands inside a phone booth in the store.
HENRY
(into phone)
No number at all? Thanks anyway.
Disappointed, Henry hangs up. He checks his watch, sighs, then picks up a suitcase and exits the booth.
BACK AT THE COUNTER
Henry enters and Gracie studies him out of the corner of her eye.
MRS. CHAPMAN
Did you find them, Mr. Halloway?
HENRY
No. The number's unlisted. I'll just
have to wait awhile, I guess.
GRACIE
(to Henry)
Trouble?
HENRY
Someone was supposed to meet me at
the bus depot.
MRS. CHAPMAN
(to Gracie)
He's waiting on folks from Global Village.
(significantly)
You know...the old Hatcher place.
GRACIE
Oh.
(to Henry)
You're in luck. I'm headed out that way.
I'll give you a lift.
HENRY
(folksy)
Well, that's right neighborly of you...
In a strong, easy motion Gracie hefts a large sack of feed onto her shoulder and takes Henry’s suitcase in her free hand.
GRACIE
You can thank me by grabbing that other sack.
She walks out the door as Henry studies the sack of grain with trepidation — it must weigh 50 pounds! Not wanting to appear unmanly, he takes a deep breath and swings the sack onto his shoulder. But it's much too heavy for him — he loses control and careens backward out of frame...CRASH! CLATTER! KA-BANG! From off-screen, an avalanche of canned goods tumbles into the scene.
EXT. RURAL ROAD
As seen through the windows of Gracie’s truck, endless rows of farm crops race by. They stretch as far as the eye can see across the gentle, rolling countryside. From off-screen we hear the voices of Henry and Gracie.
HENRY (O.S.)
I thought the paper said we were in the
middle of a drought. Everything looks pretty
green to me.
GRACIE (O.S.)
Thanks to the reservoirs. Once they're gone,
this whole county'll be drier than a Mormon picnic.
INT. GRACIE'S PICKUP TRUCK
Gracie drives down a country road while Henry holds a large bag of party ice on top of his head.
GRACIE
How do you feel?
HENRY
(tenderly removing bag)
Like I was clobbered by twelve cases of
canned peaches.
GRACIE
In heavy syrup.
HENRY
(rubbing head)
I believe it.
(thinking)
Now where was I?
GRACIE
(recalling his words)
You met this Dr. Rosewood woman and had
a "personal transformation of values."
HENRY
Yes, that's right. She convinced me it was
time to shun the materialist illusions of
big city America and pursue the spiritual
simplicity of country living.
GRACIE
Better try that ice bag again. You sound a
mite feverish.
HENRY
Joke if you want, but it wasn't easy giving
up all my worldly possessions. I sold the
sports car, the SUV, the snowmobile, the
motor boat...
GRACIE
You must have worked pretty hard to earn
all that at your age.
HENRY
Well, not exactly. You see, I've always gotten
a rather generous allowance from my father.
GRACIE
Oh. So I guess you gave up all your father's
worldly possessions.
HENRY
(defensively)
Technically, yes. But it's the "giving up"
part that counts.
GRACIE
Counts for what?
HENRY
Counts for everything! Self-sacrifice is the
key to spiritual growth and ecological awareness.
GRACIE
It is?
HENRY
Certainly. That's the whole point behind
communal living. In Global Village nobody
lives for himself, but only for a higher
good...the good of the planet.
GRACIE
(skeptically)
I know a little something about
"self-sacrifice" and "the higher good,"
Mr. Halloway...and also about communes.
I've lived next door to several in my day.
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE — GRACIE AS A LITTLE GIRL
EXT. HATCHER FARM FIELD — DAY
In an idyllic scene from her childhood, YOUNG GRACIE waves to MR. HATCHER as he drives a reaping machine through a field of corn stalks.
GRACIE (V.O.)
It all began with old man Hatcher. He worked
the land next to ours for 40 years and showed
a profit for damn near every one. I was only
six or seven when he passed away. His wife
had died earlier, so everything went to his son,
Gilbert.
GILBERT, a sullen-looking farm boy, follows behind the reaper collecting sheaths and stacking them.
GRACIE (V.O)
But Gilbert didn't care about profit. He had
his own ideas what to do with the land.
EXT. THE HATCHER FARMHOUSE — MONTHS LATER — DAY
As acid rock blares on a stereo, a tribe of HIPPIES holds a counter-culture picnic in the backyard of the Hatcher farmhouse.
GRACIE (V.O.)
He turned the place into a hippie commune
dedicated to peace, love and expanded consciousness.
A FLOWER CHILD serves Gilbert an hors d'oeuvre dish filled with marijuana joints, mushrooms and assorted pills.
GRACIE (V.O.)
Everyone thought hippies died out years ago,
but somehow they all found their way down
to Gilbert’s farm.
INT. LIVING ROOM OF THE FARMHOUSE
The Hippies smoke from a hookah and watch TV. Everyone's laughing except for Gilbert who stares at the screen with a fixated, wild-eyed look on his face. We hear Dezi Arnez singing “Cuban Pete” in the background.
GRACIE (V.O.)
Rumor has it that Gilbert lost his mind one
Fourth of July when he swallowed five hits of
Yellow Sunshine while watching a 24 hour
"I Love Lucy" marathon.
EXT. ROOF OF THE FARMHOUSE — NIGHT
In a catatonic state, Gilbert clings to the iron rooster weather vane high atop the farmhouse. He swings in the night breeze with the shifting winds.
Down below, COPS train the spotlights of their cars on Gilbert atop the house while MEN IN WHITE COATS scratch their heads trying to figure out how to get him down. One of them unfolds a straight jacket. Young Gracie watches from a distance.
GRACIE (V.O.)
I was there when they coaxed him down from
the roof and took him away to the County
Hospital. A few months later, Gilbert came
home and got radicalized.
INT. KITCHEN OF THE FARMHOUSE — A FEW MONTHS LATER — DAY
A group of LEFTIST RADICALS, dressed in guerilla chic, are engaged in animated discussion. Under portraits of Marx, Lenin and Mao, some study copies of Das Kapital while others clean automatic weapons.
Gilbert constructs a time bomb on the kitchen table using sticks of dynamite and an alarm clock.
GRACIE (V.O.)
The commune was turned into a worker's
collective dedicated to social justice
through high explosives.
EXT. EDGE OF HATCHER FARM FIELD
Young Gracie plays with her dolls near the edge of the field of corn. Gilbert approaches and starts to talk, handing her a pamphlet with Che Guevara's picture on it. Off in the distance is the Hatcher farmhouse.
GRACIE (V.O.)
One day, when Gilbert was explaining to me
the role of the proletariat in the class
struggle, there was a work accident in
the kitchen.
KA-BOOM! THE ENTIRE FARMHOUSE SUDDENLY EXPLODES IN A BALL OF FLAME! Young Gracie and Gilbert watch silently as thick black smoke pours into the sky from the ruins.
GRACIE (V.O.)
After the farmhouse was rebuilt, Gilbert
went to India and studied with the Maharishi
Ram Ji, the 90 year-old Perfect Master.
EXT. FARMHOUSE — MONTHS LATER — DAY
The old, bearded MAHARISHI RAM JI sits on a throne of gold, smiling vacantly and holding a bunch of flowers. In front of him kneel numerous beautiful GIRL DISCIPLES wearing saffron robes. Gilbert plays the sitar as the Girls chant.
GRACIE (V.O.)
The Perfect Master founded an ashram
dedicated to...what was it?...oh, yes...
"transcendent unity with the Supreme Mind"
through meditation, sexual abstinence and
a strict vow of poverty.
EXT. DRIVEWAY OF THE FARMHOUSE — WEEKS LATER — DAY
As the beautiful Girl Disciples watch with tears in their eyes, the smiling Maharishi is led away in handcuffs by stern State Troopers.
GRACIE (V.O.)
The ashram fell apart, however, when the
Maharishi was deported back to India on
morals charges and failure to declare the
tax on 27 luxury cars.
Young Gracie watches as the Maharishi is taken past a fleet of Rolls Royces parked in the driveway.
GRACIE (V.O.)
Apparently, the Perfect Master had a
weakness for underage virgins and Rolls Royces.
As the Maharishi is put in the back of a squad car, Gilbert stands nearby, paging through a peace pamphlet.
GRACIE (V.O.)
It didn't end there, though. Next came the
peace activists, the homeless marchers and
others I can't recall right off.
BACK TO HENRY AND GRACIE IN THE TRUCK — END OF FLASHBACK
Henry listens silently as Gracie finishes her story.
GRACIE
Now it's the ecologists. I expect them to
go bust, too. All this talk about
self-sacrifice and the higher good sounds
noble, Mr. Halloway, but out here with the
cows it isn't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
(stopping the truck)
We're here.
HENRY
(jolted from his thoughts)
Huh?
GRACIE
(pointing)
Right up the road there is Global Village.
My place is the next farm over.
Henry doesn't move. He just sits in the truck, thinking.
GRACIE
There's another bus that comes through town
around four o'clock. I wouldn't mind
turning around and dropping you off back
at the depot.
HENRY
(after a pause)
No. No, I'll get out here.
He steps from the truck with his suitcase and closes the door.
HENRY
Thanks again for the ride.
GRACIE
Don't mention it.
HENRY
(reluctant to leave)
Well...so long.
GRACIE
So long.
HENRY
Have a nice day.
GRACIE
Same to you.
HENRY
Make it a good one.
GRACIE
Best of luck.
HENRY
See you later?
GRACIE
Goodbye.
Gracie puts the truck into gear and drives away.
ANGLE ON GRACIE INSIDE THE TRUCK
She shakes her head and sighs with regret.
GRACIE
What a waste of cheekbone!
EXT. ROAD IN WOODS — DAY
Henry stands in the middle of the road, looking a little lost and uncertain. The road is surrounded by a thick stand of trees.
CLOSE ON A HAPPY LITTLE BIRD
He sings a happy little tune in the tree above Henry.
BACK TO HENRY
He smiles and takes a deep breath, drinking in the country air. Newly invigorated, he picks up his suitcase and ambles down the road.
After a few paces, an ornery-looking BILLY GOAT appears from out of the trees and follows behind Henry. Henry walks a little faster; the goat walks a little faster. Henry walks faster still; so does the goat.
Growing alarmed, Henry keeps increasing his speed until he's sprinting wildly down the road desperately trying to outrun the ill-tempered goat. Henry dashes into the trees.
EXT. WOODS
Henry continues to run into the woods. He tries to put as much distance between him and the goat as he can. Exhausted, he stops beside a tree and gazes anxiously behind him.
ANGLE ON A BEAVER
The BEAVER gnaws though the trunk of a nearby pine tree. CRACK! The wood snaps and the tree begins to fall.
BACK TO HENRY
He hears the sound of falling timber and looks up just in time to see the tree about to clobber him.
HENRY
Yaaaahhhhhh!
He takes off running seconds before the tree CRASHES to the ground, missing him by inches.
EXT. ROAD IN WOODS — DAY
Henry dashes out of the trees and back on to the road. But the goat is waiting for him and once again the chase is on!
As the goat pursues Henry, he drops his suitcase and it pops open, spilling shirts and socks on the ground.
Henry spies a large stick on the side of the road. He picks it up, turns to face the goat and waves the weapon menacingly in the air.
HENRY
Back! Back!
The goat comes to a screeching halt — but not for the reason Henry thinks. Between Henry’s legs, the goat sees a SKUNK scoot out of the brush and lift his tail, ready to spray.
With a startled bleat, the goat does an about-face and gallops away.
HENRY
Ha!
Henry triumphantly throws down the stick, turns and...SPLAT! A thick stream of smelly skunk oil sprays him right in the face!
HENRY
Yaaaahhhhhh!
Once more, Henry takes off down the road.
EXT. SHALLOW CREEK
Henry runs to the edge of the creek, ripping off his shirt. He bends down to the creek, wets his shirt and uses it as a washcloth to wash off the awful smell on his face.
ANGLE ON A VERY LARGE SWAN
Angered at having his home invaded, the SWAN scurries up behind Henry and bites him savagely on the rear.
HENRY
Yaaaahhhhhh!
BACK TO HENRY
He somersaults into the creek as the SWAN honks madly from the shore.
Henry rises up sputtering from the water and backs away from the threatening swan. Suddenly, his eyes bulge and he lets out his loudest scream yet.
HENRY
Yeeeoooowwww!!
Henry splashes out of the water and onto the bank. A large SNAPPING TURTLE dangles between his legs, the reptile's jaws clamped painfully on his crotch!
HENRY
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Henry runs off.
EXT. ROCKS NEAR EDGE OF SHALLOW POND
In his panic, Henry runs to the top of a large boulder and frantically tries to tug the turtle off his privates. It lets go unexpectedly and Henry is sent tumbling head first off the rock.
HENRY
Yaaaahhhhhh!
SPLOOSH! Henry lands in a shallow pond. Gasping and panting, he pokes his head up from the water, nervously searching for new disaster. A WOMAN'S VOICE speaks.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Are you lost?
Startled, Henry turns to find a beautiful young woman sitting by the pond. Wearing a white toga and a garland of flowers in her hair, she seems a delicate, ethereal spirit of nature — a WOOD NYMPH. Perched on her shoulder is a beautiful white dove. Throughout the rest of the movie, she’s never seen without it.
HENRY
Thank God! A human being!
WOOD NYMPH
Only somebody lost would go swimming in
Leech Lake.
HENRY
(worked up)
The animals...they tried to kill me! First a
goat chased me into the —
(a sudden thought)
Did you say Leech Lake?
WOOD NYMPH
Uh-huh.
A look of concern crosses Henry’s face. He stands up in the water revealing his bare upper body to be covered with scores of black, squirming, blood-sucking LEECHES!
HENRY
Yaaaahhhhhh!
It's all too much for Henry — in mid-scream, he groans and faints dead away, flopping face first into the water.
BACK TO THE GOAT
He stands in the middle of the road, happily chewing Henry’s clothes that spilled from his suitcase.
FADE OUT.